Why I Should Be the Host of the 2015 Academy Awards

March 05, 2014

Because this is how I imagine people accepting their awards.

Dear Academy,

While Ellen did a wonderful job of hosting the 2014 Academy Awards -- the pizza delivery was especially priceless -- I'd like to give you my formal request to be considered as the host for the 2015 Academy Awards. While I myself am not a celebrity, except in my workplace, I believe that I would be the breath of fresh air that the Academy is looking for. Please note the following qualities that I think make me perfect for the job:

1. My day job is to keep a group of preschool children in order, and provide fun activities and opportunities for them to grow as people. On a daily basis, I have to guide young children in learning how to problem solve, resolve differences with other children, and find ways to keep them active and entertained, especially when it is becoming clear that they are getting bored. I think I can keep a few thousand adults in line for a few hours.

2. Which brings me to my next point: I am creative and inventive, which is what I would need to be in order to keep those adults entertained. My plan is to provide activities to keep the energy going, especially during the commercial breaks. There would be all sorts of games and art supplies available -- and smocks, of course, to keep all of their clothes in mint condition. The best thing about all of these activities is that everyone is a winner!

3. It is also good to let you know that I am a plateful of classy with a side of fun -- please note that the above photo is my fun side. I'm not going to lie, I do burp, but I know how to keep it professional. Curse words are not in my vocabulary when on network television, and I have excellent posture while wearing Spanx. My fun side is the part of the meal that everyone looks forward to, like fries. It's the part of me that likes to laugh, tell jokes, and be silly. I should probably mention that this side of me is actually super sized -- I do work with children for a living.

4. I can sing, dance, and act, or at least that's what my elementary music teacher would tell you from my clearly amazing performance as one of the people of the Emerald City in our school's production of The Wizard of Oz. I am known to break out into random song and dance performances be it a popular tune, or one that I've made up about putting on my shoes. While I may not be the next Judy Garland, I can be highly entertaining.

I have learned many things from working with children including the fact that everyone has impossible dreams, but no one has the right to crush them. Everyone that is part of Oscar night has had impossible dreams, and on that special night their dreams are validated despite how many times they have been crushed. Yes, the reasons for my being the next Oscar host may be rather silly, but I'd be lying to myself and you if I didn't say that a little party of me secretly wants to be the host of The Oscars.

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